Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Woman's Week At The Gym

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little! wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on t he counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny idiot to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little punk. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Brad left a message on my answering machine i n his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little s... ) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds.
~ Anonymous
I won't post jokes much, but this one has really struck my funny bone. It could have been written about me! Kudos to the author and if posting it here is a problem I will, of course, remove it immediately. In the meantime, enjoy and at least you'll all have something to help get through those work outs by thinking back to this!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008


I saw a cute thing on tv the other day that caught my attention and gave me something to smile about. It wasn't a baby cute or cutsie cute.... just cute! Scottsdale Community College (AZ of course) are the Scottsdale Articokes! I would never have thought of using a veggie for a school mascot. I have however experienced (close up/first hand) the results of hatred against any thing Indian (Am. Indian) for a mascot for schools. Our local school went through the mess and legal hassle of a local tribe fighting to have their mascot changed. Even though I'm part Am. Indian, I really felt it wrong and so unnecessarily expensive for the public school to have to sand down the gym floors, redo walls, new logo, new athletic uniforms, etc to remove the Indian Chief's head. I just personally felt the mascot symbol was intended and probably chosen to represent strength, integrity and honor as that was the era it was chosen in. (Yes, I'm close enough age wise to understand and know the history.)

So, this mascot at Scottsdale CC struck me as cute and smile worthy. I enjoyed the tv news segment telling about "Arti" and a brief glimpse at the SCC campus. Had I heard about Arti, otherwise I'd have probably thought funny and laughed. The news segment was light-hearted and informative..... kinda cute.

Arti struck me as being healthy and vibrant. He was a smilie kinda "guy" with a skip to his step. He had manners and class.

My high school mascot was the panther. It was a sleek, powerful cat. they are automatically thought of as having speed, athleticism, grace.....they have a quiet presence about them and reek strength and ability.

Our local school here has a bronco as a mascot. I love horses, but don't care for this bronco. It's a coarse and wild looking graphic and just doesn't draw me to it. It doesn't speak well to me and the kids don't seem to have a real connection to it either. I find that sad as I feel it should be something the kids bond with for repore' and team spirit.

Do you ever ponder about school mascots? What impressions do you have about the ones that are connected to your life/family? Do you like your mascot? What do you think would make a good mascot?